


Quietly Seeking Solace

by a1_kitkat



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Heartbreaking, M/M, Malex, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 09:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18657334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a1_kitkat/pseuds/a1_kitkat
Summary: After the Caulfield incident and Michael breaking Alex's heart, Alex gives Michael the best or possibly worst gift he's ever received





	Quietly Seeking Solace

The hard plastic of the hospital chair was uncomfortable and unkind to Alex’s already aching leg but he continued his vigil by his father’s bedside, not because he wanted him to die but because he didn’t know what he was going to do when the man eventually woke up. He stifled a yawn then stretched his arms and flexed his fingers. He was contemplating getting up, going in search of a coffee when the smell wafted into the room accompanied by Kyle Valenti.

 

“Knew I’d find you here” Kyle greeted him as he handed the cup to Alex.

Alex thanked him for the drink and took a long swig, hoping the caffeine would help to wake him.

“Geez Alex, you look like crap” Kyle said upon seeing his friend up close.

“I feel like crap”

 

Kyle moved back toward the door and pushed it closed then he returned to Alex’s side.

“You know you don’t have to stay here” he started.

“Yeah, I know” Alex replied, his eyes not leaving his father’s face.

“I’m really sorry, Alex, for-”

“Don’t you dare! He shot you, Kyle… If you hadn’t been wearing a vest…”

“But I was and… He’s your dad”

“In name only”

 

They both fell silent, both looking at the man in the hospital bed. It had been almost three weeks since Kyle had put him in a medically induced coma. It had been quick thinking on Kyle’s part but the problem facing them now was how long to leave him under for. The longer it was, the worse it would be but Alex wasn’t ready to deal with him right now.

There was still so much he wanted to know, to understand before he confronted his father again. It wasn’t just his involvement at Caulfield Prison and what he’d done to Michael’s people but also his part in Jim Valenti’s death. Alex had watched the video of Jesse pushing Jim into the cell so many times but still couldn’t understand _why_.

 

Alex yawned and Kyle reached out, placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Go home, Manes” he said to him. “Get some sleep”

“Nah, I’m fine” Alex shook him off.

“My shift is over in like an hour, I’ll come back and we can go to the Wild Pony and grab a dri-”

“No!” Alex snapped “not there!” he paused “I’m sorry, Kyle. Another time, maybe?”

“I’m sorry, that was…. Insensitive of me”

“Not your fault”

 

Alex was still staring at his father but his mind was elsewhere now as his eyes filled with tears. Kyle was considerate enough to pretend not to notice. He simply petted Alex’s shoulder in what he hoped was a comforting gesture then slowly got to his feet.

 

“I’ll be back in an hour” he said to him “if you’re still here, we’re going anywhere for a drink”

“Fine” Alex knew agreeing was the quickest way to get rid of him.

 

Kyle nodded then turned on his heel and left the room, leaving the door open behind him. Alex listened to his retreating footsteps then reached up and wiped the angry tears from his eyes. He knew Kyle hadn’t mentioned it on purpose but it still stung.

Only three weeks ago, Alex had sat outside Michael’s trailer for hours, waiting, hopeful, eager and nervous. After what had happened at Caulfield, they needed to talk and Michael had said they would but then he’d run off in the middle of the night and Alex had spent a restless night fearing the worst had happened. The next morning he’d plonked himself at the trailer and waited, waited, waited. When enough time had passed that he’d come to two conclusions; either Guerin was dead or he’d given Alex the brushoff. Either one was going to require a lot of alcohol so Alex had gone to the Wild Pony to drown his sorrows and had walked in to find Michael and Maria, together, arms around each other and kissing. He’d walked away and not once looked back, had avoided both of them ever since.

 

Alex knew Kyle meant what he’d said, in an hour he’d be back and would make Alex go with him somewhere to unwind. So after another forty minutes by his father’s side, he got up and left the hospital but he didn’t go home. He went where he knew he wouldn’t have to face Guerin; he went to the bunker.

 

For the past few weeks, ever since Caulfield, Alex had spent his days at the hospital, watching over his father like a hawk then his evenings were spent in the bunker pouring over all the hard drives and files Kyle had managed to grab. Several contained hours and hours of video footage of the hostages. These proved hard to watch but Alex forced himself to, was determined to learn as much as he could. Subject N38 was logged a lot as they appeared to study him a lot despite not being able to interact with him at all. The video of Jesse pushing Jim into the cell didn’t become any easier to process the more he watched it though.

 

He found video of the woman in the next cell, Subject N39… Michael’s mother. Alex had seen her hand glow, knew she’d communicated with Guerin in some way and had told him she loved him. He could still remember the way Guerin had clung to him, pressed their foreheads together. It had all happened in barely a minute but it had felt like a lifetime… Hearing Guerin shout at him, telling him that he didn’t love him. Alex had believed him to be lying, a desperate bid to make Alex leave him behind but he hadn’t listened, had been determined to stay with him… And now Michael was at the Wild Pony making out with his best friend.

 

Alex leaned back in the seat, shook his head to clear his thoughts. He looked at the pile of hard drives and resigned himself to another long, gruelling night ahead. He picked up one that wasn’t marked so he knew neither himself or Kyle had checked it over yet and he plugged it in. It took a few moments for the files to load and his heart skipped a beat. The files were old; someone had painstakingly scanned very, very old documents obviously in a bid to preserve them.

 

Each folder was clearly marked with the subject and their number. He opened the first one and found an old black and white photograph of a young woman and he paused, deep in thought. His grandfather had documented every single one of the captured aliens probably in case any ever escaped. He closed the folder and scrolled to the one he most wanted to see. N39. He clicked and loaded up all the information they had collected on the day they’d caught them.

 

She was beautiful, that much was obvious even in black and white. Alex stared at the image but found it hard to imagine this young woman was the same one he’d seen in the cell; the one Guerin had been so desperately trying to break free. He felt tears prickling his eyes as he remembered the pain in her eyes, the same eyes that were staring at him from the computer screen. There was a definite sadness in those eyes right now, no doubt from the pain of being separated from her son, and maybe other family too.

 

Alex closed his eyes but could only see her as she’d been in the cell, old and frail. He rubbed his eyes to stop his tears. It wasn’t enough that his father had been an absolute ass to him since he was a child but he’d been vile, vicious and cruel to all these innocent people who had been locked in cells for the past seventy odd years.

 

_‘I don’t love you, I don’t’_

The words still echoed in his mind as he remembered the desperation in Guerin’s voice. He’d wanted Alex to run, to leave him behind to die but Alex never could have done that. There was no way he’d have left that building without Michael and he’d even told Kyle as much later. When they’d finally had a moment to talk about what had happened, Alex had told him the truth; that’s he’d have died there with Michael than stand the thought of living without him… and now, that’s exactly what he was doing… Trying to live his life without thinking of the fact Guerin had moved on with Maria of all people. He told himself it would hurt less if Guerin had chosen _anyone_ else but that wasn’t true. It would always hurt no matter who he was with.

 

Alex unplugged the drive and tried a different one, hoping to find any other distraction at all but it wasn’t so easy. He fell asleep in front of the console and woke up with a crick in the neck. He left the bunker, drove home for a quick shower then returned to the hospital to resume his holding pattern by his father’s side.

 

*

 

Alex stayed at the hospital all day then returned to the bunker in the evening as had been his pattern for the past few weeks. Tonight, he started with the same hard drive and opened the file on Guerin’s mother. According to the notes, none of them spoke whether it was because they didn’t speak English or didn’t want to communicate, it wasn’t clear but she cried… a lot. It tore at Alex’s heart; she had been so heartbroken at being separated from her son. It was a pain that he could understand, given how much it hurt him to be parted from Michael.

 

But he couldn’t compare the pain. He’d never fully understand all that she, they all, had endured for so many years. Sure, he knew the brunt of his father’s beatings but on him his father had used his fists, his foot or a belt… in Guerin’s case, a hammer though that hammer had been intended for Alex had Michael not tried to protect him the way he had. What this woman, and all the other captured aliens had suffered was worse than he could imagine. The more he read, the more his stomach churned and he had to stop.

 

By night, he’d read the files then in the light of day he would sit by his father’s side and long to just reach over and pull the plug. Kyle had believed his father had gotten what he deserved for the role he’d played in the alien’s suffering so maybe his own father deserved the same treatment? The longer he watched over him, the harder it was becoming to want him to wake up. Kyle insisted they needed to make a decision but Alex couldn’t do it… He may never be able to.

 

*

 

Alex pulled his car into the junkyard and could see the door to the trailer was wide open, meaning Guerin had to either be inside or close by. His heart was hammering in his chest, he hadn’t seen or spoken to him since that night when he’d poured his heart out to him and Guerin had said ‘come back tomorrow, we’ll talk then’. Alex _had_ come back but Guerin hadn’t. He wasn’t ready for this!

 

He slowly climbed out of the car; the small package clutched firmly in his hands. Alex made his way towards the trailer, with each step he hoped and prayed that Guerin was alone. He didn’t think he could handle seeing him with Maria again, the pain was just too deep and too fresh.

 

The sound of a bottle being tossed aside and smashing made him stop in his tracks but a moment later, Michael appeared and Alex felt a sharp pain deep within. He _missed_ him so much. A few short weeks ago, Alex had been willing to die by this man’s side… Fuck, he’s still die by his side if Michael would let him. This time, for him, nothing had changed. He’d meant everything he’d said in that moment of desperation; Michael _was_ his family and he still didn’t want to lose him.

 

“Alex” Michael greeted him. He sounded drunk.

“Guerin” Alex replied as he moved closer to him.

“It’s been awhile”

“You’ve been busy”

“I-”

“Don’t, Guerin. I’m not here for explanations or excuses”

“Then why _are_ you here?”

“To tell you that I meant what I said; you’re my family and nothing will ever change that… But after what happened, I understand why you… why you’ve done what you’ve done… My dad did a terrible thing and not just to you but to your family and all the…” he trailed off when he saw it. Michael’s hand.

“W… What happened?” Alex gasped. His eyes wide, staring at the completely healed skin.

 

Michael looked down, almost self-consciously then shoved his hand into his pocket.

“Max happened” he confessed. “I begged him not to”

“He… Healed you” Alex felt his chest tightening.

“He thought he was doing a nice thing”

“No… No… Uh… it’s good that… that you don’t… that you can… why would you want a constant reminder of that day anyway, huh?”

“Alex-”

“Really… You deserve to have full use of your hand… I’m sorry you couldn’t have healed it sooner”

 

Alex immediately turned on his heel and started to walk away. This had been a mistake.

“Alex?” Guerin called out to him. “Please don’t walk away”

He froze, the words hurt but he stopped. He wasn’t walking away; he was leaving because the conversation was over. There was a difference.

 

He looked down and remembered his reason for being here in the first place. Alex turned around and took a breath.

“I brought you something” he said to him as he started back towards Michael.

“Alex, I can’t-” Guerin started to protest.

“You may not like it… You may even hate me for it but I think… well…”

 

He held it out for him and Guerin reached out, took the offered package from him. Alex watched Michael’s face as he slowly removed the wrapping to reveal a box. He held his breath as Michael opened the box, he kept his eyes on Michael’s face as Guerin found the photo frame and turned it over to reveal a black and white image of a beautiful young blonde woman. His eyes immediately filled with tears and Alex _knew_ that Michael knew who she was.

 

“Where did you get this?” Michael’s voice cracked with emotion; his eyes already filled with tears.

“Kyle grabbed a bunch of hard drives before the place blew and I’ve been going through them to learn as much as I can” Alex confessed. “I… Found her in the files and… I know it’s still fresh and painful for you and it may hurt for a long time to come but I just thought that you should have it… that maybe you’d want it but if I’m wrong then I’m sorry”

 

Michael released a sob and Alex saw his hand move, as though he wanted to reach for him but he stopped himself. He looked up at Alex through tear filled eyes but didn’t say anything, he couldn’t. Alex stood before him, not knowing what to do next but Guerin simply turned on his heel and ran into the trailer, slammed the door behind him and Alex knew that was his cue to leave.

 

He slowly made his way back to his car, blinking back tears of his own as he went. He struggled to get the keys from his pocket and his hand was shaking as he unlocked it. Alex’s heart had been in the right place and he didn’t regret his decision one bit. When his mother had left, Alex had slept with a photo of her under his pillow, he’d take the image out and look at her face and tell himself that she loved him. It was only fair that Michael have the same.

 

Alex opened the car door but it blew shut despite there not being a breeze. He turned around and saw Guerin standing a few feet away. They stared at each other for a moment, Alex could see the tears streaming down his cheeks so he moved back towards him, stopped just shy of arms reach.

 

“She said she loved me” Michael choked.

“I know” Alex replied with a nod of his head.

 

Michael stepped closer to him and reached out, grasped Alex’s jacket similarly to what he’d done in those few moments in the prison. The tears were still streaming down his cheeks.

 

“She said she could see that you loved me” he added. Alex nodded in agreement as tears filled his own eyes. “And that’s why she wanted me to run; she wanted me to live, live with someone who loves me”

Alex blinked back his tears. It hurt to hear Guerin say these words, knowing he’d chosen Alex’s best friend instead.

“But it hurts, Alex” Michael whispered “you were there when she died and I look at you and it’s all I can think about so until it doesn’t hurt anymore, I can’t be around you”

“I… I understand”

“I don’t expect you to”

“But I do, Guerin… I get it”

 

“Please don’t think for a second that I looked away” Michael begged.

“It’s okay to look away” Alex assured him “because I didn’t… I won’t, okay?”

Michael nodded as he fought to control his tears. Alex reached up and slid his fingers into Michael’s curls, pulled him close but it was Michael who leaned in to kiss him. It was slow, tender and filled with heartache.

“I won’t look away, Guerin” Alex whispered.

 

Michael broke the embrace and pulled away from Alex.

“I never meant to hurt you” he said to him.

“Try not to hurt Maria in the meantime” Alex replied.

“She’s what I need right now… But to quote Isobel, you’re my person Alex and you always will be”

 

Alex reached for Michael’s hand, brought it to his lips and kissed the now unblemished skin. He didn’t say another word as he stepped back, Michael’s hand slipped from his grasp and Alex turned, walked back to his car. He got in, tears still streaming down his cheeks as he started the engine and backed down the drive. Guerin watched him go, both with tears in their eyes, neither one of them looking away.


End file.
